Are You a People Pleaser?

Are you a ‘People Pleaser’?  If you are, then it is likely that you are living your life according to others’ standards at the cost of your own.  I have been a ‘People Pleaser’ nearly all of my life, and  was taught that others’ opinions of me, especially the whole of society, was like the ‘gold standard’ to determine how I should behave. I was taught to ignore my own value, unless others perceived what I was doing or achieving as having value.  If I did or said the wrong thing, I was often asked as a child, “What will the neighbors, your teachers or our friends think?” The sense of not fitting in or belonging compels most of us to tailor our behavior and decisions so that we do fit in and please others.

Pleasing others is exhausting, and it simply fails as a formula for your true measure or happiness.  How so?  Because others expectations are either changing or dreadfully stuck, and then one is constantly second, third, fourth and fifth-guessing if one has said the right thing, or sent the proper thank you gift, or impressed the ‘right people’.  Pleasing others is setting yourself up as ‘not-so-mighty mouse’ on a treadmill, now called, ‘your life’, with ‘the others’ hand at the wheel.  It’s mental suicide eventually.

A whole crowd of people and their words or opinions, mostly authority figures-especially those of our families , peers, government and teachers-live in our minds. To gain approval of those authority figures or others who we seek approval from, whether conscious or unconsciously, changes the way we think about ourselves and the choices we make.

It took me many years before I ever realized how programmed I had become to think, react and judge.  I had not wanted to understand how deeply I had lived my life in fear of not pleasing others, especially my family.   If I chose to please myself, to free myself, I’d have to free myself from a prison of limitations, that were now self-imposed, a life of 40 years, automatic to the conditionings of my life.  It is then that I stood in my heart’s voice and chose to become a yoga instructor.  It is then that I realized how far against the grain I was going and how many people I did not please or impress with my choices.

I started to rid myself of the toxic icky guilt, shame or embarrassment I’d felt as a result of those who had knowingly or unknowingly ‘de-valued’ me or my potential.  But their eyes no longer mattered.  I had started looking inward, and honoring my values, interests and natural skills.  Are you a People Pleaser?  Who do you please and why? And at what cost?

 

Have no time for ‘space’ in your life?

Where I live, New York City, many don’t have the time to make space.  New Yorkers are working around the clock, either towards something (their children’s futures, entertainment, bigger homes, ski vacations out West, trips abroad) or working to stay away from something (the neighbor they don’t like, the sexist or narcissist boss, the candy store, the skinny jeans or burger joint).  There is hardly time to breathe, we run so fast. We have no space in our schedules.

Why is space so important?  Because, it is in space that our potential to create is heightened.  It is in space, where an intense point of light expanded out, and exploded, making space out of darkness, i.e. The Big Bang. And in the space, where darkness once lie, that point of light created itself into a beautiful, expansive, mysterious, wondrous universe.  If we don’t give ourselves space, we stay stuck in our conscious and nearly conscious mind, where thoughts, 70% of the time, according to some experts, are either repetitive or negative.  If we created space, we could instead move into the subconscious mind, which is where deep belief systems were seeded, systems which go against our nature and our evolution.

Very few of us have the consciousness to really know what is hidden deep within, but without space, there is little chance one ever will.  Once we move out of the small parts of our brain that we often use, away from sensory stimulation, away from constant activity, we can tap into other parts of our brain, the unconscious parts, and see how we’ve actually created the parts of our lives that we don’t want or like.  It doesn’t take much effort, anywhere is fine, just give your mind a time to rest, and watch those backstage thoughts flash center stage.  That’s the subconscious mind.  It will start to reveal what you really think and feel, and you may be surprised to find out what that is!

Our brains are akin to a hard-drive and the beliefs and energy that surrounded us in the past, especially as a young child, is the software that has been ‘downloaded’ to our brains.  Through meditation or ‘watching’ the mind’s subtler thoughts, one is creating the space to be able to start identifying the old beliefs, choices, actions and decisions, the out-of-date-software that has occupied mind and body for years.   Once the internal beliefs wreaking havoc have been identified, a clearing of those beliefs is necessary for evolution. Once internal space is created, you can ‘download’ new software, new beliefs that will assist you in taking full responsibility for your own well-being and creating miracles.  Nothing is created by wishing, action is required.  But, honor the space, because without it, your internal ‘hard-drive’ will undoubtedly crash.

Who is Your Female Role Model?

I spent many nights of despair in my mid-thirties to early forties wondering who I was supposed to model myself after. After 10 years, I’d left the practice of law, and had no husband, boyfriend or children, and not one clue what a woman of my ilk was to do with my life.  Most women my age thought that the ‘right’ guy or new professional career would do the trick, but it just didn’t feel right to me. My mother was a stay-at-home mom most of my life, without her own career, and without her own identity in the family.  She was my father’s wife and her children’s mother, and that was a role she relished and felt destined for. My older sister is introverted and ‘by-the-book’, and I am an extrovert and ‘out-of-the-box’, and so to model myself after my sister would be untrue to my individual self. Even when I became a lawyer, the more experienced women in the profession (less than 20% of all lawyers), were often aggressive, opinionated and either on the offensive or defensive, depending on what type of law that they practiced-myself included.  Many of these women struggled to balance their careers, children, spouses and lifestyles, often compromising something, usually their mental health, in the process.

I yearned to find a strong female role model, one who could stand firm in her beliefs and values with grace, courage and unwavering confidence, even if they were against the grain of society, or rather, especially if they went against the grain, which is where I was headed. It was only after I left the profession of law and ‘Corporate America’, and became a yoga instructor, that I started to find ‘soft’ yet ‘strong’ women who I could model myself after. One in particular, a diabetic Indian woman in her fifties started an ashram in her youth to receive and ‘hug’ people because, yes, many are deprived of basic human touch. Her name is Amma, which translates to ‘Mother’ in Hindi. Amma even embraced those considered ‘untouchable’ in her own society, a huge social taboo. Amma’s courage, presence and energy are based in love, tolerance and compassion for all. She holds her power with grace, and without greed, narcissism or ego-unlikely traits amongst most leaders who fall prey to greed, power and control. As a result of hugging people, Amma has raised and distributed millions of dollars to build hospitals, pension plans, educational institutions, and training centers, and to provide tsunami and hurricane relief, and much more. Her vision for the world impressed me deeply, as did Amma herself, one in which men and women respect each other and progress together; ‘like two wings of a bird, balanced and of equal value’. It is this attitude of love and harmony that society and leaders could use more of in order to promote a more balanced, unified world, which encourages female empowerment and grace.

Thank you, and Brava Amma!  So, who is your female role model?

 

‘I Chose my Parents’-An Excerpt from My Memoir

Since my parents were both hard workers, it was only natural, that my siblings and I were too.  At an early age, around 7 years old, I, along with my sister, took on a daily 6:00 A.M. paper route. I swear it was my sister’s idea. I can’t imagine that I would choose such a thing because I despise early mornings, and my sister feasts off of them. I would grow to loathe Sunday mornings, (didn’t the Lord say, ‘REST’?) and the sound of my name.   My sister would have to wake me, as I wasn’t getting up voluntarily, and she used a firm whisper, “Karen, Karen!”. That hard ‘K’ cut into my nerves as I jolted up out of bed.  The Sunday circulars, which we had to assemble, requiring an earlier rising time, were so heavy on my scrawny bony arms that it took twice as long to deliver the papers. Hills felt like mountains, and tips between a quarter and two dollars didn’t seem worth the trouble. Still, I stayed on with it, complaining time to time, but something deep in me knew that nothing tasted or felt as good to me without some struggle.  It was hard to take something for granted when so much effort was put into it, and it increased the character and value of anything sought after.   And even though it sounds crazy, something within me has always known that I ‘selected’ my parents.  I have a vague recollection of looking upon them, pre-birth, evaluating them.  As they had strong ethics, worked hard and embraced their struggles together, I declared,”I’ll take them.” Somehow, I always felt that the aspect of struggle, and their struggles, was connected to my life here on earth.  Though, I never imagined how I would struggle in life, love and work, and I certainly never imagined how I’d struggle to move away from the people I’d ‘chosen’ to struggle with, my parents, in order to move towards the most valuable person and asset in my earthly world: my true Self and my voice.

Follow Your Heart, by Karen Nourizadeh

‘It is against New York State Law to Assault Your Bus Driver.’

I arrived, with my full-fare Metrocard, at the new “Select” New York City MTA bus stop near my apartment on Second Avenue in the 80’s.  I held a rather large box with both of my arms and hands, carrying a 52′ ceiling fan to return to Home Depot.   A “Select” bus happened to be at the stop but it’s doors were closed.   It was still at its angled position near the curb to pick up passengers. There was a red light.  About a dozen and a half were on the bus.  I mouthed aloud to the driver my desire to take the bus, but he wouldn’t open the door, and instead mouthed something back to me.  Words came from my mouth again but it’s as if I were at the airport, and the plane doors had shut.  We all know what that means.  No go. The driver wouldn’t open the doors or speak to me intelligibly.  The light turned green.  The bus proceeded down Second Avenue.  I had been “De-Selected”.

I could feel the heat rush into my cheeks.  A perfect moment had just passed.  I couldn’t let go of my anger towards the bus driver as I looked north on Second Avenue to see that there were no other MTA buses yet in sight. Of course, I tried for a few minutes to understand the mentality of it all.

The box was getting heavier and so I placed it down on the sidewalk and sat.   There happened to be a sliver of Sun that was not yet obscured by a high rise building.  I reminded myself of a yogi teaching-nothing is by chance, enjoy the moment as if you asked for it.  So I let the sun fill me with Vitamin D as I felt the cool breeze on my cheeks, sitting atop the box. When the next bus arrived about 10 minutes later, the driver was genial and the bus near-empty.   Heaven.

On my bus ride home, a recorded announcement came on saying (approximately), “It is against New York State Law to Assault Your Bus Driver. Anyone who does will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” Seriously?  New Yorkers need a reminder not to assault the bus driver? Yes, world, New Yorkers have this much stress. Not many of us can pull up a box and sit in the sun, waiting patiently for the next bus, when we could have had a smooth ride moments before.  So, it seems, the alternative is to ‘whack’ the driver.

Though it may seem trivial, it is not. Mass transit is how most of the millions of New Yorkers commute.  If the commute is not pleasant, millions are affected. Daily.  I always tell my classes, workshops and privates, that we cannot control the others, but we can control ourselves.   Mass transit is not going to change. It’s unionized and unpredictable in service and courteousness, but we don’t have to succumb to the pressures of the commute.  We have choices. Make a choice that fits you.  Sometimes, I focus by counting my breath backward, or, bringing a magazine to read. Now, I bike when I can. When I practiced law, I walked 2 1/2 miles from the office to my apartment.  I come up with alternative ways to make my commute more pleasant, so that I don’t become a reason for the buses’ recorded announcement.

 

 

 

 

Feeling Scattered? Tips to Focus. Focus below.

Since our five senses are constantly barraged by technology and our minds are engaged in endless lists or activity, much of the energy we expend is lost.   Focus is an important aspect in achieving results, but it is also an important activity to develop the brain.   When focus is enhanced, our channeled energy become laser-beam like and powerful.  However, when we lose focus, even momentarily on a repeated basis,  our energy dissipates.  Consequently, we lose power in the mind and in the body, and often become forgetful, make silly mistakes, lose sleep or deplete the immune system, much to the frustration of ourselves and others.

Here are a few tips to help focus the mind and harness one’s energy:

1.  Prioritize what needs to be done.  Absorb yourself in the task until you choose when to end it.  If you are interrupted, re-focus, or re-prioritize what needs your laser-beam attention next.

2.   Put a cap on technology ‘check-ins’.   Notice how often you check your messages or social media sites unnecessarily.

3.  Minimize distractions. Keep track of how often you allow your attention to dissipate when performing any one task, and watch yourself as you do.

4.  Use ’empty’ time, such as waiting or traveling to focus the mind on the breath and counting backward from 10 to 1-’10 inhale, 10 exhale, 9 inhale…’.   Notice how many times you lose count, and start all over again.

6.  Take a break, or be patient.  So much is often accomplished by developing patience, which promotes space and a clearer perspective.  Breaks from thought are essential to healthy brain anyway!

5.  Keep your place of rest or sleep technology-free, so the mind becomes more conditioned to rest and relax when the appropriate time comes.

Have questions?  Email or comment below, would love to hear from you!

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