confidence Archives - Karen Nourizadeh

Filed Under: Blogs Tagged With: alternative views, authority, compliance, confidence, conviction to be oneself, expectations, healthier life, individuality, inner strength, inner values, meditation, people pleaser, self-confidence, stress management, yoga

Are You a People Pleaser?

Are you a ‘People Pleaser’? If you are, then it is likely that you are living your life according to others’ standards at the cost of your own. I have been a ‘People Pleaser’ nearly all of my life, and was taught that others’ opinions of me, especially the whole of society, was like the ‘gold standard’ to determine how I should behave. I was taught to ignore my own value, unless others perceived what I was doing or achieving as having value. If I did or said the wrong thing, I was often asked as a child, “What will the neighbors, your teachers or our friends think?” The sense of not fitting in or belonging compels most of us to tailor our behavior and decisions so that we do fit in and please others.

Pleasing others is exhausting, and it simply fails as a formula for your true measure or happiness. How so? Because others expectations are either changing or dreadfully stuck, and then one is constantly second, third, fourth and fifth-guessing if one has said the right thing, or sent the proper thank you gift, or impressed the ‘right people’. Pleasing others is setting yourself up as ‘not-so-mighty mouse’ on a treadmill, now called, ‘your life’, with ‘the others’ hand at the wheel. It’s mental suicide eventually.

A whole crowd of people and their words or opinions, mostly authority figures-especially those of our families , peers, government and teachers-live in our minds. To gain approval of those authority figures or others who we seek approval from, whether conscious or unconsciously, changes the way we think about ourselves and the choices we make.

It took me many years before I ever realized how programmed I had become to think, react and judge. I had not wanted to understand how deeply I had lived my life in fear of not pleasing others, especially my family. If I chose to please myself, to free myself, I’d have to free myself from a prison of limitations, that were now self-imposed, a life of 40 years, automatic to the conditionings of my life. It is then that I stood in my heart’s voice and chose to become a yoga instructor. It is then that I realized how far against the grain I was going and how many people I did not please or impress with my choices.

I started to rid myself of the toxic icky guilt, shame or embarrassment I’d felt as a result of those who had knowingly or unknowingly ‘de-valued’ me or my potential. But their eyes no longer mattered. I had started looking inward, and honoring my values, interests and natural skills. Are you a People Pleaser? Who do you please and why? And at what cost?

Filed Under: Blogs Tagged With: beliefs, challenge, confidence, embrace, journey, obstacle, rejection, self-value, self-worth

Rejection

Many of us take rejection poorly: rejection by a lover, friend, employer or by any other. Why is that? In my experiences, it is because rejection translates into, “Something is inherently wrong with me, my opinions or my work, and therefore, I am not good enough.”

I often took rejection poorly, because I put more value in the person or entity that rejected me-more value than I put on myself. I was a people-pleaser, lacking confidence of my own, and wanted people to accept me. I felt that something was inherently wrong with me-that I wasn’t perfect enough to be wanted or received. Sometimes, that may have been true for those observing me-an ex-lover, co-worker, friend or family member. I viewed rejection as a permanent obstacle, and would either give up or go to desperate measures with dire consequences to get the desired goal, whether it be a person, object or situation.

In painfully examining myself after rejection, I now see that rejection is often a useful tool to affirm that a harmonious relationship is not possible. Other times, I see that rejection allows me to refine myself, ideas or projects and try again or elsewhere. Or, perhaps rejection is an indication that something is not quite right, to help me to ‘wake up and smell the double espresso.’ I am finally learning to see the wisdom in rejection, rather than hurt and/or shame.

Rejection helped me to understand that I cannot control every one of life’s circumstances, as much as my upbringing made me feel that control was possible. Rejection has helped me to embrace change as inevitable, and become alchemical, taking advantage of the quantum world-that an infinite amount of possibilities exists in any moment.

How one handles rejection is often indicative of the beliefs one holds. Often, a belief of pleasing others or being perfect, or feelings of abandonment provide a solid foundation for feeling unworthy, unlovable or unacceptable. Feelings of rejection are likely deeply seeded from developmental years. It could be due to feelings of abandonment, neglect, guilt, shame, embarrassment, not being loved or accepted, or viewed as imperfect or ‘wrong’. If we see how our families, peers and environments shaped our internal views, we can also understand that these conditionings are not true, but a perspective.

Imagine if you could feel that rejection is a good thing, a wake-up call, or possess a mature understanding that balance could not be achieved. Believe in you and your higher power. Walk your path with courage fearlessly, and never doubt your self-worth. Sometimes, we need to feel rejection by the others to fully embrace ourselves, our journeys and our accomplishments unconditionally. You are your best ally. Don’t reject yourself!

Please share your comments below, or share post with a friend who might be able to relate.

Filed Under: Blogs Tagged With: balance, confidence, courage, fearless, harmony, judged, path, people pleaser, rejection, self love, unloveable, unworthy, value

Rejection

Feeling rejected? Well, know you are in good company as every single person on this planet has experienced rejection in one form or another.

If you take rejection poorly, (I have vascilated between well and not so well), then you are putting value in the person or entity that has rejected you. More value than you put on yourself. If that is the case, then you are likely a people-pleaser or lack confidence in yourself and want people to like you. (No judgments, I’ve been there and still am to a degree.) Rejection means that the other person or being does not understand you or connect with you or themselves, perhaps, and it is therefore a useful tool to affirm that a harmonious relationship is not possible. That is wisdom. Other times rejection allows us to improve and try again. Again, wisdom. Or, perhaps rejection is an indication that something is not quite right, so it helps us to ‘wake up and smell the double espresso.’ Yup, wisdom. Instead of applying wisdom though, many view rejection as a permanent obstacle to our goals or desires and then, either give up or go to desperate measures with dire consequences to get what or who we want from life.

Rather than see it as an opportunity to transform, and become alchemical, many stay stuck in old beliefs systems that no longer work and keep us unconscious of our inner potential.

How one handles rejection is often indicative of the beliefs one holds. Often, a belief of pleasing others or being perfect, or feelings of abandonment provide a solid foundation for feeling unworthy, unlovable or unacceptable. Feelings of rejection are likely deeply seeded from our developmental years. It could be that we were abandoned, neglected, unloved or viewed as imperfect or ‘wrong’. But you must shine the light of consciousness on it with focused concentrated attention in order to see and release it.

Imagine if you could feel that rejection is a good thing, a wake-up call, or possess a mature understanding that balance could not be achieved, it’s beyond your control and that you have all that you need within you to walk your own path, vibrating in harmony with the energy of others, not against it. Believe in the Universe. Believe in you. Walk your path with courage fearlessly, and never doubt your self-worth.

It’s time to pull yourself up from your bootstraps, kick out the ‘pity partiers’ and throw yourself a party celebrating that you now know what doesn’t work. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong, bad or pathetic. Life is ever-changing and nothing lasts forever. If you can understand that letting go is one of the healthiest and wisest things (and also one of the most challenging things) you can do, you will begin to love yourself, organically, and know that you don’t have to be a victim of your life. Keep yourself in the Now and work with what’s in front of you. From the ordinary you can create extraordinary, just don’t give up. I tell myself this as much as anyone else, as I await to hear from some publishers this week!

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