Are you a ‘People Pleaser’? If you are, then it is likely that you are living your life according to others’ standards at the cost of your own. I have been a ‘People Pleaser’ nearly all of my life, and was taught that others’ opinions of me, especially the whole of society, was like the ‘gold standard’ to determine how I should behave. I was taught to ignore my own value, unless others perceived what I was doing or achieving as having value. If I did or said the wrong thing, I was often asked as a child, “What will the neighbors, your teachers or our friends think?” The sense of not fitting in or belonging compels most of us to tailor our behavior and decisions so that we do fit in and please others.
Pleasing others is exhausting, and it simply fails as a formula for your true measure or happiness. How so? Because others expectations are either changing or dreadfully stuck, and then one is constantly second, third, fourth and fifth-guessing if one has said the right thing, or sent the proper thank you gift, or impressed the ‘right people’. Pleasing others is setting yourself up as ‘not-so-mighty mouse’ on a treadmill, now called, ‘your life’, with ‘the others’ hand at the wheel. It’s mental suicide eventually.
A whole crowd of people and their words or opinions, mostly authority figures-especially those of our families , peers, government and teachers-live in our minds. To gain approval of those authority figures or others who we seek approval from, whether conscious or unconsciously, changes the way we think about ourselves and the choices we make.
It took me many years before I ever realized how programmed I had become to think, react and judge. I had not wanted to understand how deeply I had lived my life in fear of not pleasing others, especially my family. If I chose to please myself, to free myself, I’d have to free myself from a prison of limitations, that were now self-imposed, a life of 40 years, automatic to the conditionings of my life. It is then that I stood in my heart’s voice and chose to become a yoga instructor. It is then that I realized how far against the grain I was going and how many people I did not please or impress with my choices.
I started to rid myself of the toxic icky guilt, shame or embarrassment I’d felt as a result of those who had knowingly or unknowingly ‘de-valued’ me or my potential. But their eyes no longer mattered. I had started looking inward, and honoring my values, interests and natural skills. Are you a People Pleaser? Who do you please and why? And at what cost?
