Not only am I a recovering attorney, I am a recovering ‘Type A’ personality.  Type A’s are known to be impatient, rushed, goal-oriented, worried, aggressive, demanding, competitive, extremely ambitious and perfectionists.  Sound like a lot to deal with?  Try living in that skin, and you will quickly understand (as Type A’s need to understand everything in lickety-split, lightning speed time) that not only is it a lot for a Type A to deal with, but for those who encounter a Type A personality.

Trust me, I did not strive to be Type A, with a hyper-active mind and schedule.  I was conditioned by my family, my peers, my teachers and my society to always strive for more, to be the best and be perfect.  What a cross to bear! Eventually that conditioning became as automatic a response, as it was for Pavlov’s dog to fetch food at the sound of a bell.

I’ve been learning so much about my mind and brain in the last two years that I now understand how I have been conditioned, what my conditionings were and the physiological effects of such conditionings.  I now understand that what ‘wires together, fires together’ in the brain, with its opposite true as well.  And though my desire to get rid of some of these annoying tendencies (what wired together) is high, the actual eradication or diminishment of them is not on par with my desires, because what didn’t fire, didn’t wire in my brain.

Meditation has taught me to withdraw from the senses and focus my mind.   Now, I clearly see how my senses and satisfying my senses dissipates my attention away from the present moment.   I also understand that my mind needs to be trained to focus.  A simple exercise I like to use is counting my breath backward from a high number until I can get my mind to cooperate and stay in the countdown.  I practice this technique when I am riding the subway,  waiting in line,  at the doctor’s office or when I feel anxious.  When the mind is concentrated, the mind is relaxed and can receive.  Type A’s have very active minds, yet the dissipation of focus creates a leakage of vital subtle energies in the body, which tends to cause disease in the  body.

The process of recovery is a slow long haul, taking years to un-do what has been wound up, but it is worth it, as both the physical and mental health benefits are tremendous, and I now feel that I have many more ‘tools in my toolbox’ to empower myself and my life.   If you decide to try meditation, find a teacher that you connect with, as the teacher has almost as much to do with absorption as the techniques themselves.

What is in the mind, is in the body and vice-versa.  As most great philosophers have said, to know thyself is true wisdom, to know thyself is to be whole and of health.  That is the greatest gift you can give yourself, your true Self (not the ‘poor me’ or ‘great me’ ego self). And in turn, you give that gift back to the world, a priceless commodity, that no one other than your true individual Self can give.

Namaste!

I once heard that an expectation is a disappointment waiting to happen.  And in my experience, this proves to be true more than I prefer.  For example, if  I expect the weather to be good for a day at the beach, and it doesn’t happen, I get disappointed.  I expect to receive a note  or word of thanks when I extend myself to another, offering resources, information or gifts, yet when I don’t, I am disappointed, because it signals to me that my efforts or gifts are not valued.   I expected that the man I was in love with once was available, because that’s how he presented himself to be, but when I found out he was not, I expected him to be contrite and ask forgiveness, but he didn’t, making me angry and then-some.

As such, I have come to realize the value of the statement,  that expectations are disappointments waiting to happen.  One evening, my friend, Bryan asked me if I were ‘high-maintenance’.   I replied, ‘No, I am not.  I have high expectations though.’  Bryan responded, ‘That’s worse.  The world is an imperfect place, Karen.  The world is an imperfect place.’  His words rang in my ears for days, then months, now years.  His words seeped deep into my psyche because they represented the complete opposite of what I had been raised to be, which was near-perfect.   My parents had high expectations of me, and if I did not meet them, it was just not acceptable, and their disappointment, disapproval, anger or frustration was clearly expressed, which motivated me to do what they ‘expected’ of me.  I rebelled for a time, but it was a no-win situation, because the punishment was stronger than the expectation itself, and I relented in trying to ignore or overlook their expectations of me.

Because I had been conditioned with expectations of doing the ‘right’ thing, or ‘being perfect’ or ‘precise’, I treated others in this same way. Until, Bryan’s words and my experiences melded together and mutated into a very big life lesson.  Giving up expectations is one of the hardest things to do, but when it is done, it is one of the most liberating experiences ever.    I don’t think it’s humanly possible to extract all expectations from one’s personality, however, if they are minimized, then so is the pain, anger and disappointment of not getting what you expected.  It also puts some of the burden back on myself to take full responsibility to create my own well-being and happiness.  I cannot expect another to do it for me, especially as I am very capable.  Instead of ‘expecting’ things from myself, I create now.  I tap into my potential and do what I can do to create an experience for myself that fulfills and sustains me, which sometimes requires resolution or compromised-based thinking.  If I meet with challenges and obstacles along the way, I try not to put any expectations into removing them, but I fill myself with the work of overcoming them, the best I know how.  After all, the word is an imperfect place, and in this acceptance, I diminish expectations and embrace my power to create, which thereby increases my inner happiness and peace.

What expectations, big or small, can you work on letting go of today?   Please share!